Our Frausted Life

(Trigger Warning: Loss/Miscarriage.)

I have struggled to find what to say in this blog over the last couple of months. Many times I’d think “Is anyone reading this? Would anyone really care to hear what I have to say or what’s going on?” Of course, these are lies from the enemy. Plus, writing for me is therapeutic. I come from a point of view that we should share our lives with one another so that the strengths and miracles of our Lord shine through, and through those breakthroughs we share, lives are transformed. This life is not my own, ya know? I am not living it to keep it to myself. By sharing, God is elevated because it is through Him that we have answered prayers and the blessings that we DO have. In our weakness, He is MADE STRONG. I’m not ashamed of my life or of my mistakes and I’m not afraid to share my heartache. This is God’s story to share!

So with that, I’m going to share the most recent chapter in our journey, and know that in doing so, God is shining through this story and in our lives.

This is the story of our Lacie Grey.

This was the biggest surprise ever. While we knew that in me having my surgery to correct a lot going on in my uterus and fallopian tubes, we didn’t think it would work this fast. I literally got pregnant the first week I returned to island. I took a test on day 39 because I was just so done waiting for my cycle. I knew my mind could relax afterwards – I was NOT expecting it to be positive. Monday, December 9, our lives changed once again. Here is some of the reaction video (I recorded to show Nik later and did not intend on making it public, so this is TOTAL transparency and vulnerability):

I was completely shocked. I had been feeling nauseated on and off throughout the days for about a week. I had an episode where I thought I would literally be sick one night. It was pretty bad. I just thought I ate something bad. I was extremely tired. The morning I found out, my mom said I was pregnant with a girl (because she was very tired when she was pregnant with us girls), but I hadn’t taken a test and laughed it off. Later, Nik told me (before I told him the news), he randomly began to think of college savings for our kids and referenced “she”, and he didn’t know why.

Ah, telling Nik was the greatest feeling. With Landry, I didn’t do anything special or fancy. I took a test and told him immediately because I was so freaked out. This time, I had a few hours to put something together. This is what I came up with:

I would lead him into our nursery and let him see the tests on the changing table. I remember when he got home, I immediately met him at the door and embraced him. My heart was beating SO hard and fast that he even asked me what was wrong because he could feel it beating out of my chest as he embraced me. With “Don’t Stop Praying” playing in the background (I just had a random mix of Christian songs playing on YouTube and that one happened to be playing in that moment), I led him into the nursery and let him make the discovery. He was just as surprised as I was. I caught it all on camera, but I’ll keep that video private. Here are a few screenshots of that moment:

The next week was a complete whirlwind. We went to the hospital to set up all things prenatal. Filled out a ridiculously long packet of my medical history. Took a urine test (which confirmed I was pregnant, but I honestly just wanted my HCG numbers – I had already peed in a cup at home!). Set up so many appointments. Got my first ultrasound appointment on the calendar. I even went a few days later to test my glucose levels. I got to drink that “nasty” stuff ladies complain about. (This one was not bad at all. I had it drank in less than a minute.) I FINALLY (if you follow my stories on IG, I talk about this subject) got to use the “Expected Mother” parking at the store and it felt FABULOUS:

I even bought a sweet devotional for expecting mothers that I began reading:

They took so much blood from me that first week. I had no idea how I was even functioning.

We debated on telling our parents. Our original plan was to go home to Texas in January and just let my pregnant self tell them (at that point I would have been 10-11 weeks and we figured I may be showing some at that point – regardless, we wanted to tell our families all in person). A week later, I was in the ER with severe cramping and spotting. I remembered what happened with our first loss and I was not taking any chances. Everything checked out in the ER just fine. I was fine. HCG numbers were getting higher. Due to the ER visit, Nik and I decided we needed to tell our parents. They are our prayer warriors and this baby and I needed to be covered in prayer. I had another beta coming up a couple of days later, and we needed those numbers to have at least doubled so we made the facetime calls to our parents and shared our news! Talk about EXCITEMENT! What a moment! They were all over the moon happy for us and the family! They prayed over us and just could not contain their excitement.

My next beta came and went and my numbers “appropriately rose”, according to the doctor. Everything seemed fine, however, later that night, I would end up back in the ER with severe pain once again.

After 8 hours in the ER, (it was already 3am Tuesday morning by this point), we got the news that my beta had dropped by half, and we knew what this meant: our baby would not make it to full term. This pregnancy was not viable. I had a flashback to the time we were in the ER at Baylor Scott & White and we were told the exact same thing. This time, I did not hold back my tears. I told the nurses and doctor that I understood, and that I wanted to do an additional ultrasound to be sure I didn’t have an ectopic pregnancy, and that everything looked fine before I went home. I also requested pain meds. (I didn’t the first time and that was a huge mistake.) By 5am, we were headed home with broken hearts and crushed spirits. Questions flooded my mind. Was this really happening? Why is this happening again? Why would I get pregnant just to not carry this baby to term? When is our miracle coming? Why is the Lord allowing this to happen? What did I do wrong? Then it hit me that we would have to tell our parents and break their hearts, too. We didn’t have to do that the first time as we didn’t tell our parents. We told them after the fact once I had already miscarried. I texted my mom as we were coming home from the ER and Nik later called his parents. I could not handle speaking over the phone about it to anyone so I’m glad he was able to do that. (But seriously, can we give loss dads SO MUCH CREDIT? Ugh… these guys are superheros and some of the strongest men I know.)

That week was a complete blur. I was in so much pain and I told Nik I did not want to try again. I mean, isn’t it kind of dumb to keep doing the same thing and getting the same results? Why would I want to keep going through this pain when I could prevent it from happening? In the moment, it just seemed really dumb. There was no way I was going to try this again. But I was seriously angry and tired and overwhelmed in that moment. Most of the week was spent either at the hospital for more blood draws or ultrasounds or on the couch with this incredible heating pad Nik bought for me. Nik was a complete angel through it all. He let me vent. (I did more yelling than I did crying.) He was quick to get whatever I needed. He let me hug him anytime (course, he always does on a regular anyway!). He picked up dinner. He cleaned. Did laundry. He kept the house going as best as possible because I couldn’t get to it. I didn’t see the messes. I wasn’t focused on any of that.

Once the pain subsided for the most part, I got bitter. I even thought about telling folks to “call me ‘Mara’” the way Naomi had said in the book of Ruth. She was bitter. I was bitter. I wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to hear any good things or have anyone try to cheer me up. I wanted to be in my feelings. I wanted to be left alone to have the thoughts I wanted to. I wanted to sit in my valley.

It just seemed that as quickly as she came was as quickly as she left. Two weeks. All our plans of a cute pregnancy announcement by our tree were gone. (I have asked and prayed for this for years…) The thoughts of how surprised our family and friends would be disappeared. Life would go back to the way it was. And it’s not a bad thing – we are super blessed with our family and how things are. Life is just a little somber these days. I never thought I’d suffer a miscarriage a week before Christmas.

Today, I went into the nursery and hung up all the body suits and outfits I had gotten out. I cleaned up the changing table that once held my sweet announcement for Nik. I put away all my Mom/Mama items I had gotten ready to begin wearing.

Sweet, side note: our parents (Juan and Jen) sent us a package, what must have been the very next day after we told them our news. When it arrived, Nik opened it in another room and carried the contents to the living room. When I came around the corner, I could see his face. He seemed concerned, like he had very important news to share and I needed to hear him out. (I was like, what’s wrong?!) He told me that his parents had bought me an item when they found out we were expecting and sent it. They had told Nik what it was (to intercept it so not to upset me), but he said he told them he wanted to still give it to me because I am a mom:

I realized his face and demeanor was out of love and concern for me. He wasn’t sure how I would react, and he was preparing himself to love on me whichever way I needed. I loved these slippers instantly! (And they are my favorite brand!) What a sweet and thoughtful gift! They WERE just as excited as we were (not that I ever doubted it, but they put this in the mail the next day! Lickity-split! haha!)!!! I cried and hugged Nik and told him I’m glad he decided to give them to me despite the circumstances. I know I will wear them one day. That truly just touched my heart. And yes, I did reach out to them to thank them so much for them. 😉

Just like the last time, Nik and I decided we needed to name this angel baby, too. Last time, I picked the first name and Nik the middle. This time, we switched. I had Grey chosen since Landry so I already knew what I would pick. I read off dozens of L names to Nik. They were gender neutral. So when I asked him if he heard any he liked, he said “What about ‘Lacy’?” I was confused. When did I read that name? But it was his choice, and we really had a feeling this baby would have been a girl, so it really seemed fitting. We decided to go with the -ie ending like my name. It sounds so sweet to the ear. Giving her a name just brings us further healing and closure. Lacie Grey.

Through this whirlwind, God was working. I mean, when does He ever stop? And seriously, why should this surprise anyone? I got a text from our social worker the day after the miscarriage saying they wanted to move up our home study. They were still waiting on one thing, but the social worker advocated for us to have the home study now and was approved to move forward. So, in less than a week, we’ll be having our home study to potentially bring home our child! We’ve been praying over this child and their birth family for some time now. So, in this season of grief and somberness, there is still hope and answered prayers. There are still the glimpses of God’s good work He’s doing in our lives. Even in our pain and trials, God is still good, and He is still working on our behalf.

I share our story to bring anyone and everyone HOPE. Yes, these moments are painful and so confusing, but God is NOT confused. He uses these painful moments for His glory and for a bigger purpose. We just have to stop and see that. He does not like to see us in pain – He understands our pain better than anyone will. And in our hard moments, we need to try to remember the answered prayers we are currently living, and trust that God is working to answer the next one. I’m thankful for those who gave me words of encouragement and let me vent. Y’all saw some of the deepest parts of my heart, and you loved me through it, and I thank you all. You helped keep me on the right path. When I could have just lied in bed and wasted away in my tears and sorrow, I didn’t. Today, I am joyful and thankful for this season and for the short time we had Lacie. She brought us joy and helped us learn more than before. She brought us closer together, and ultimately, brought us closer to the Lord. This painful moment could have destroyed us – that’s what the enemy was wanting – but what He doesn’t realize is that our hearts are so rooted in the Lord that it’s only a matter of time we are suited up with the Armor of God ready to battle another day. We know how big and strong our Maker is. We know He would never purposefully hurt us. We know He wants us to have our baby and our children and a big family – He’s the ONE who put that desire in our hearts in the first place – and we KNOW He is a Promise Keeper and a Waymaker. He does not do things for nothing – there is purpose in it.

So while our hearts are still a little sore, and while we may shed a tear this week for our loss (and I may not be so quick to respond back to texts or calls), we stand strong in our faith that the Lord God is still in control, and we trust Him with our future. We trust Him with this plan. We trust Him with our children and our family. We trust.