Our Frausted Life

August 7. For years past, that date was pretty popular among friends and acquaintances as it seems so many share that birthday. Our sister Victoria’s birthday is the 6th. Our nephew Nick’s is on the 2nd. It’s just a very busy time in our family, so when we got the due date for Lacie of August 7th, we giggled as we have A LOT already at that time, but also found it fitting for the new Fraustro family member. (We also just assumed she’d come early anyway, but we have 2 end-of- July birthdays back to back as well so either way! She fit right in!)

After we lost Lacie, it seemed her due date was forever away. I didn’t think of the anniversary or how I would feel around that time. I just took life day to day. When Nik left for deployment, I realized that I would be here without him on that day. I was nervous because I remember how I felt when we came up on Landry’s due date. How would I handle this alone? What would I plan? Would this time be different? All the questions raced through my mind.

Nik and I took a cruise the week I was due with Landry. We wanted to be alone to honor and remember Landry and give us space to grieve in the way we needed. We were both super emotional that day on the cruise. I tied 3-ways for movie soundtrack trivia, so to break the tie, they had us all do the chicken dance. Well, being me, I follow the rules, so I did what they asked, but someone else went a little too far and got a little raunchy, and of course, the audience went wild, so the prize went to them. I also had lost in “Friends” trivia to a lady that came late to the game (We thought that was unfair) so after those losses, we were both bummed, but more on edge. I remember Nik being so upset. He just wanted me to get that prize and win. He said I deserved it. We cried and held each other… but it wasn’t the prize we were upset about. He was talking about our baby.

So after that experience, would Lacie’s due date be the same? Would I be ultra-sensitive? On edge? I decided I needed to be surrounded with some of my closest friends whom I confide in. I didn’t want a large thing, so I decided to see a movie. It is mine and Nik’s thing to do. We feel it’s always a right time for a movie! With ‘Freakier Friday” coming out ON August 7, I felt it was fitting. It would probably be something I would have watched with Lacie when she got older.

I didn’t think much about the day when the morning of came. I had other things on my mind. It wasn’t until about an hour before I was to leave for the movie that it hit me what today meant to us so many months before. How I wrote that date on my calendar and on our white board. We anticipated a lot then. We began to prepare for a summer that would’ve looked so differently than it actually did.

I walked into our nursery and sat in my rocking chair. I cried as I let the emotions envelope me. I still don’t think I properly processed or grieved our baby the way I should have back then. Since it was Christmas, I think I tried to just focus on that and not let my emotions ruin the day. After a few moments in the nursery, I put my shoes on and headed out for my evening with friends.

If I really let my mind wonder, I think it’s completely unfair we didn’t get to hold or see that sweet baby. I tell God it’s unfair just how close I felt we were. My HCG numbers were higher with this pregnancy. They were doubling every other day so what on earth happened? I think it’s unfair that others can just get pregnant and never have to worry about whether they’ll make it 9 months. They don’t feel a twinge of something and freak out wondering if something was wrong. They don’t have the anxiety about loss. They see their due date and plan all the things, get to do all the things, and when the due date comes, they get to hold their healthy baby. I think it’s completely unfair we have had to wait such a long time. I question what we are doing wrong. I question what more I have to do to my body or what more can I eat to get healthier or what other vitamin to add or what toxin do I need to remove from the house…

If I let my mind wonder…

But those thoughts are not my reality much anymore. You see, God has given me a peace that is stronger and louder than any of those doubts or questions. I’m reminded that His ways are not ours and that He is THE Good God – the one and only – and He only wants good for us. What happened with our babies was not God’s fault. He mourned alongside with us. He wants us to have a family. I’m reminded that He can make GOOD out of any bad situation, and His worth is NOT defined by our circumstances. I remember that God does not waste a hurt. I am thankful that through each of these times, I have been made stronger and WISER. God has purpose for each season. These moments do not define us, but God does.

Today looked a lot different than I thought it would. I did not fall apart. I was not stricken with grief. I did not blame God. I was not angry. He has given me a faith that tells me that He is NOT done. I know He is bringing us children. I know He will fulfill this desire He has placed on our hearts.

Lacie Grey, today is your day. Thank you for bringing me even more hope. I know we will meet one day, and you and Landry will join our family in the millennial Kingdom, and we will all be together.

It ended perfectly with friendship, a movie, laughter, and CINNABON!

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.” Isaiah 55:8 ESV

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

“Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean NOT unto YOUR OWN understanding.” Proverbs 3:5