Our Frausted Life

By Syd

Today, I got up like any other Sunday: 6:40a.m. It comes SO fast, especially these days that Nik is away. My sleep schedule is off. I try going to bed early, taking magnesium before bed, drinking cranberry, putting on a show I’ve seen a million times, reading, etc. Nothing really works. (Yes, I do say my prayers! Just in case my mom or grandma read this…. LOL) This morning, I actually woke before my alarm and just decided to get up and make use of that time.

I got to church at 8am to set up (we are a church plant) and everything was great. Run through was great. We had some laughs. Just a truly wonderful time of fellowship (this team is a breath of fresh air, and coming from a worship leader, just trust me when I say that).

When service began, I welcomed everyone and read from Ephesians 6: 10-18 about putting on the armor of God. Everything was going well, and we had just begun “Jesus Messiah” – this part is a little fuzzy right here – when someone walked in, crossed the aisle to their seat, and it was then I noticed she was pregnant. Now, this person I saw a few weeks before and I hadn’t noticed a bump. No announcement was made (at least very publicly to where I heard of it), and in that moment, I had a rush of emotions.

I immediately thought, “Why wasn’t I told? Why didn’t anyone prepare me? Why them and not us? Why not AND US? Lord, what do I DO in this moment?” It was an instant rush of thoughts all while leading worship.

PAUSE: Let me make this clear: NO ONE HAS TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING. No one owes me a thing, so let’s get that straight. This is just what my mind goes to. I genuinely do not feel that anyone needs to tell me their business and people can live the way they want – the world does NOT involve around me.

UNPAUSE: In a split second of internal panic and sadness and grief all at once, I heard the Lord loud and clear: It’s okay, my child. Their path is not your path, and I’m not done yet. I know you’re sad and hurting, but be patient. It’s coming…

“But Lord, what do I do in this moment? Nik isn’t here… please, take this from me. Help me to lay this down at Your feet.”

And it was nearly instantaneously, I felt warmth. Positive thoughts rushed into my head, and I felt this confidence in knowing that our story will be one of the greatest breakthroughs and miracles of our lives. It’ll be the biggest part of our testimony. I was reminded that our hurt and pain is for PURPOSE. That God will use that for His glory. I was reminded that I want to show that the Lord is STRONG through our weaknesses.

The only thing I could describe that feeling to is a HUG. In that moment when I wanted to run, panic, cry, and breakdown, the Lord extended His arms and held me in that moment, and I found rest. It gave me comfort and the confidence to continue to lead worship. I began to cry so much that I stopped singing in the mic and just listened to the congregation and other vocalists. I cried because I could feel all the tension and heaviness just disappear from my body. I remember telling the Lord in that moment, “Just take it all. Help me to surrender this. Guide me, Lord. Thank you, Father.”

I should say, I’ve been extra emotional these days since Nik is away. It wasn’t just this moment that was weighing on me, but my emotions from the days prior, too. It honestly has been a huge struggle, and I wasn’t prepared for it to be this hard.

I don’t want to have negative feelings about fertility and against people who are growing their family. I mean, there are several billion people in this world and a large number are expecting a baby (for many, it isn’t their first). I would never live a fulfilling life if I went around always comparing, telling God “It’s not fair”, or getting upset anytime I see a pregnant woman (or announcement). Most importantly, God doesn’t want me stuck there. He wants to take these feelings from me and focus on Truth. He knows we are hurt. He knows we are sad, and He knows our deepest desires of our heart (I mean, He PLACED them there!). The beauty of this journey is I don’t have to STAY in these trenches and valleys (for long – I am human, and I do get down in the dumps sometimes) and when I do climb back up the mountain, I have a triumphantly wonderful part of my testimony. That climb can only be made possible through HIM. We have an incredible Father ready to take away that hurt, pain, and sadness. He wants to embrace us. And in a moment when I couldn’t run to Nik to hold onto, God was there to embrace me in his absence. In a moment that could have absolutely caused me to spiral, He grounded me. He is my firm foundation. He is my peace.

God has a purpose and timing for everything. This was supposed to happen today when Nik wasn’t here. I cannot thank the Lord for this moment, and for allowing me to be so open to feeling His presence.

The younger me would have steered clear from this woman. Back then, it was a constant reminder to me of our loss and what I don’t have. I would have probably stayed in my bitterness for a while. This morning, I made it a point after the musical worship set to walk up to her and say good morning. Yeah, something I would not have done years prior (maybe not even a year ago). For someone who just went through a miscarriage three months ago, that is a wild thought, and what’s even more wild is: that person is ME. God has done so much in these years. He’s shaped me and molded me into this person I am today. Now, I’m not perfect (oh, rats!), and I know He will continue to work on my heart and shape me into the daughter He needs me to be. And through the pain and hard lessons in life, I’m thankful. I can take these lessons and trials that are so wonderfully building my testimony, and I can share them with others. I can be a light to someone who needs it when they walk this same path as us regarding growing our family or just waiting in general. Even disappointment.

So, today, I had to stop to write about this “God Hug” I experienced today. I did reach out to Nik immediately after church and tell him. We both were in tears, and both are incredibly grateful that our Heavenly Father loves us so big.

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.