Our Frausted Life

I’m sitting here in my living room while I am struggling with my allergies looking through the slightly opened blinds trying to find the words for this post. It’s been something on my heart to write, but never really knowing what exactly I would say. Here I go:

Our idea and plan have always been to truly focus and be intentional in growing our family in Guam (or the next season in life because at the time, we didn’t know where our first duty station would be). Never in my life would I ever think I’d be nearing 40 years old and still not a mama to a living child. That never even entered my mind as an option while growing up (my 20s included). Our loss in 2022 changed our life, outlook, and the trajectory of our life forever. We are grateful for the experience, and while that is strange for many to read or comprehend (“you’re glad you lost your baby?” I get it.), it is really hard to put into words for everyone to understand that aspect. We aren’t glad we lost Landry; we are thankful that the Lord led us through one of the darkness and most hard times of our lives to come out on the other side even closer to Him than ever before. We are grateful He never gave up on us, and without that experience, without a doubt, we would NOT be where we are today, which is so much closer and more in-love with each other than before, and so much closer with a deeper understanding of who our Heavenly Father is.

Arriving here in Guam, I was ready to hit the floor running on what we could do regarding adoption. (Many of you may not know, but Nik and I tried to adopt last year. We learned SO much about the process. We are grateful for that opportunity and for the baby’s mom opening up to us and allowing us a tiny glimpse of what that life would look like if that is the route we were/are blessed to take.) I really thought it would be easier being in the military. I was told of all the “help” and “guidance” they have, and the “programs” that were offered so we could grow our family.

While I’m sure most of that is still true, I did research and made phone calls, even a live chat online with a representative for the military, and I received a huge, loud SLAMMED DOOR. Basically, I was told there is no assistance here in Guam for that. Adoptions are very rare here, especially to families who plan to leave the island. Foster care is basically our only option here, and while I LOVE children and would no doubt love on these children, the Lord has NOT opened that door for us to foster. That is a huge responsibility and risk to my heart that I am not ready for, and again, God has not given us the green light to foster. We’ve been praying over it, and no answer on that right now. To say I was disheartened with all the “NOs” and closed doors here is an understatement. I fell into a slight depression because I just assumed it would be easy for us. I thought all the doors would open wide and we’d be halfway through with the process by now. I even looked into international adoption, but the cost is astronomical. Things would be a lot easier and smoother back in the states regarding adoption.

I felt so frustrated and didn’t understand why the Lord wouldn’t just open this door. We’ve waited so long (we’ll be married 5 years in January). Nik is finally active, and we are where we’ve been talking about since we began dating back in 2018. What else is the Lord needing to prepare us for? What are we missing? What needs to be done? Questions began to flood my mind. There were times I felt I couldn’t breathe. My anxiety kicked into overdrive as I felt like I was suffocating at times as time went by. I’m running out of time, I thought. This was not the plan. Lord, why are you having us wait? Why aren’t I pregnant, at least? Why is this so hard?

Thankfully, I didn’t stay in that valley for long. You see, because of our experience and what I’ve learned in the 2 years since, growing closer to the Lord and strengthening my walk, I don’t stay in that valley anymore. I was there for over a year back then. God redeemed me and brought me out. I no longer camp out there.

Lately, I’ve been seeing rainbows in the sky. Lots of them. Every time I see one, I think of Landry. I think of hope. I am reminded that the Lord is working on His promise to us. It may not be as quickly as I’d like, but I know He is faithful to keep His promises, and each day that passes is a day closer to holding our baby. I am reminded that His plan is better than we could ever imagine. I don’t expect He’s waiting on things to be “perfect” (because when are they ever?) or when we are truly “ready” (because whoever is when a baby is expected to arrive), but I know it’ll be in HIS perfect time, and whose hands are better to be in than His?

Waiting isn’t easy. Questions always arise. Doubt. The enemy makes you feel less than. He makes you compare because someone has what you don’t yet and you feel slighted. I get it. Trust me. I’ve had all the thoughts and shed all the tears. I’ve been triggered by so many pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, and birthday parties. Thankfully, those are very far and few between now. I’m not in that season anymore.

I decided when I arrived here in Guam and toured our home that we would make one of the bedrooms a nursery out of faith and hope. I heard something once that has stuck with me, and it’s honestly something I have never thought about. Birds create their nest BEFORE they lay their eggs. Think about that. I’m sure many creatures of the world prepare their home or nest for their babies to come before they even mate or lay eggs. They trust in their Creator to bring them a family. And usually, almost always, He does. So if prepping a nest for their baby birds to come is what the birds do, well, so will I. We didn’t bring all the things with us to Guam – we left a crib at my parents’ house. We have plenty more here to create a space for Baby Fraustro. God is working, and we will continue to honor Him and take these faith steps. We don’t know how Baby Fraustro is coming – whether by my womb or someone else’s – we just want to be ready and obedient to God’s calling on our family.

When the room is complete, I’m sure I’ll make another post. Right now, it’s half full of boxes. It’s been our storage room for now until we are able to go through everything. I can’t wait to find all the sweet things still tucked away. Each one has a story of how we came to get it. So much by family and friends who all believe just as much as we do. They’ve held onto the hope for years with us. They’ve all prayed just as much or even more than we have. Won’t God do it? I’m reminded of the people who brought their friend down through the roof to see Jesus. It was their faith and courage and determination that led their friend to being healed because they KNEW bringing him before Jesus would heal him. They knew Jesus would answer their prayers. Nik and I are incredibly blessed to have family AND friends whose faith is as big as theirs were.

I’ll leave you with a scripture that I keep close to my heart. Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Even the verses before this and immediately AFTER – go check them out!) Many misinterpret that. It does NOT mean that if you do good things and worship God, He’ll give you what you want. Is that true worship then? Doing it only because you think you’ll get something out of it? This is not a chore chart – God didn’t make a list and say “Hey, if you complete all these things son/daughter, you get a REWARD.” Our worship and “delight” must be authentic and genuine. This scripture to me means that if we focus on the Lord, continue on the path He has for us, completely leaning on Him in all things and finding our JOY through Him and by Him in all things in life, He will bring us our true desires of our heart. Desires HE has placed there. Could be desires that we’ve never even thought about or knew we needed. That is why HIS plan is greater than OURS. He knows us inside and out – He created us. I know His plans and the desires He’s placed on my heart are far better than anything I could think of. When I hear and read this scripture, I think of Elizabeth and her husband. They were older in age, but so faithful in serving the Lord. God blessed them with John. I’m sure they weren’t even expecting John given they were older and maybe even passed the age of (normal) child barring years – but God.

My mom shared this song with me very recently and it broke me. I have gone from a “desperate prayer” to a “grateful prayer”. I was in the valley for so long and didn’t understand why, but we have a “Good God and He’s got a good plan.” If you are struggling to find hope or answers, if you’re in the valley, or maybe you just got out, listen to this song. It’s simple, elegant, yet so powerful. Flowers grow in the valley. ❤

I do NOT own rights to this song.